


cause only hell knows where you've been

by beware_of_you



Series: only love [2]
Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Emily is a sweetheart, F/F, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Implied/Referenced Torture, JJ talks about her trauma, dealing with trauma in HEALTHY ways, graphic mention of violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-24
Updated: 2020-07-24
Packaged: 2021-03-04 20:08:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,115
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25492114
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/beware_of_you/pseuds/beware_of_you
Summary: emily notices jj struggling on the jet ride home from the tobias hankel case
Relationships: Jennifer "JJ" Jareau/Emily Prentiss
Series: only love [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1838533
Comments: 11
Kudos: 89





	cause only hell knows where you've been

**Author's Note:**

> i didn't like the original story i posted for this series so i wrote this instead (it is a flashback, which is why it's in italics)

_JJ hands wrap firmly around the small styrofoam cup filled to the brim with scalding hot black coffee. She blows gently across the rim of the cup, tentatively taking a sip before she stares out the window of the jet. Her knee is bouncing rapidly, foot tapping rhythmically against the ground, her free hand shaking slightly from the amount of caffeine rushing through her veins (this cup is her fourth or fifth of the flight back to Quantico). She feels like she's on hyper alert, like a little kid suffering from a sugar rush._

_She blinks rapidly to keep her eyes from drying out, stretching out her limbs in the seat to keep them from cramping. She takes a gulp from the cup, telling herself the pain of the liquid scalding her tongue is what causes her to wince. She deliberately faces away from the jet full of profilers, bringing her knees up to her chest. She's beyond exhausted, both physically and mentally, but can't bring herself to keep her eyes closed for more than a few seconds._

_Because, if she keeps them closed for too long, suddenly she's back in that barn. She's surrounded by dark, dry, dusty air and the only thing she can hear is the low, menacing growl of a dog. And then another. And then another. Even over her own heartbeat, over her desperate, harsh whispers for "Reid!" because they had been so foolish to split up, the rumbles and low snarls are the only sounds that fill her ears._

_One hand drops from the cup to grasp firmly at her knee as her stomach starts to coil, her breath starts to shorten. It's a meager attempt to ground her back to reality because she's not in a barn and she's not surrounded by three man eating dogs..._

_She used to really like dogs._

_German Shepherds were always a favorite of hers. Her grandfather had them while she was growing up. She liked how friendly they were, how they would curl up to her side during a bad thunderstorm because they scared her so much as a child. They were her best friends._

_Now she doesn't think she'll ever look at one again because now all she can conjure up in her mind when she thinks of them is the vicious, ravenous snarls that left her paralyzed in fear, the look of bloodlust in their eyes, the hackles raised, teeth bared, practically drooling foam and smelling so strongly of barnyard and, and—_

_She has to press the sides of her fingers to her lips to hold back a gag._

_The overwhelming smell of blood, strong like copper pennies._

_Blood._

_It was fucking everywhere._

_It covered every inch of the dirt floor, splattered along the wooden walls, soaked into the dirty mattress on the ground, coated the dogs' muzzles, their coats, their teeth. Her shoes and clothes were soaked in blood._

_For a brief moment, she's thrust back in time and she's eleven years old, standing completely frozen in the doorway of her childhood home just staring at the bathtub Ros is floating in. The water is dyed a deep crimson with her sister's blood, the bathroom smells exactly like the barn, so overwhelmingly perfumed with a sharp, metallic scent. Her sister's arms have identical long, deep horizontal cuts that are crusted over in blood but no longer leaking because dead bodies don't bleed. And yet, all she does is stand there in silent shock, just as she does in the barn._

_She's staring frozen at the hunk of raw, bloodied meat that used to be a woman. What's left is now completely unidentifiable because the dogs have mangled her body past the point of recognition. There's absolutely nothing left that can even be conclusively identified as belonging to a human being. Her head is spinning from the smell of blood, from the nausea she feels at the pit of her stomach because this is all too much but she can't force herself to look away, or even scream, just like when she saw Ros and..._

_The growl that comes from behind her makes the hairs on the back of her neck stand on end, kicks her flight or fight response into overdrive because if she doesn't do something she'll end up a mangled, bloody mess just like this woman was and—_

_"JJ?"_

_She blinks hard, turns in the chair and is only slightly surprised when she faces Emily._

_Putting on a brave face is what she's good at, why she's such an expert at dealing with the media. The team could be dealing with the most gruesome case and she's able to put on the most professional, composed performance for the cameras because she won't allow them the satisfaction of knowing just how much she can be affected. She does her job expertly so that she appears completely indifferent to the horrors of their work, delivers the details she needs to and does it all over again the next day._

_Emily, however, is not so easily fooled._

_The newest member of the team looks completely unconvinced by JJ's attempt to remain indifferent, can call her bluff from miles away. Because she's not a reporter and she's highly trained to sense changes in human behavior. She sees JJ curled up in the chair, nails digging into her skin and eyes distant and knows something is wrong._

_Still, JJ tries to convince her otherwise._

_She sits up in the chair, bringing her legs down in front of her and forces the most genuine smile she can muster. "Hey," she murmurs softly, taking another sip from her cup._

_Emily's eyes remain soft, a slight frown on her face as she observes the blonde. No, she doesn't believe her performance for a second. "Are you okay?"_

_JJ's smile falters slightly, just for a moment really, but it's enough for Emily to notice. Slowly, hesitantly, the older woman takes the seat across from JJ. She taps her fingers against the table that separates them, short nails clicking softly against the polished surface. "Do you want to talk about it?" she finally asks, softly and quietly as to not draw attention to them._

_JJ swirls her nearly empty cup in the air, stirring the dredges at the bottom of the container absentmindedly before setting it down on the table and grasping it with both hands. She takes a moment, staring at the grounds of coffee moving around instead of over at Emily, and composes herself. "I'm fine," she declines the other woman's politely, brushing off her concerns with a more convincing smile._

_She winces at how loud her statement comes out, doing a quick scan of the other profilers on the jet._

_Hotch is quietly talking on the phone, caught up in his own world. Gideon is staring blankly over at Reid, who's curled up asleep on the couch. There's a look in the senior profiler's eyes that JJ can only describe as hollow, as if he's holding on by a thread._

_Quickly, her eyes land on Reid, stomach clenching in guilt. She hadn't once thought about how he was holding up since the jet took off._

_He looks so small on the couch, his mouth hanging open, limbs thrown about haphazardly, hair tousled messily. He's beyond a care in the world, completely worn out from his ordeal. He deserves every minute of rest he's getting._

_Morgan sits on the floor beside the couch near Reid's head, his arms folded across his chest. His eyes are closed, but it's obvious from his tense muscles that he's not at all asleep. He hasn't left the younger man's side since the team had rescued him from that cemetery, watching him carefully._

_Her eyes flicker back to Emily, who still looks completely unconvinced that JJ's fine. She runs a hand through her long hair as she quietly sighs, tucking her bottom lip between her teeth. She brings both hands onto the table top, folding them together tightly._

_"I know how hard it is to open up to people," Emily starts of quietly. "Especially to someone who you've only known for the better part of six months. But I also know how hard it is to keep it in, how much it can build up and how much it can just eat up at you..." She pauses, inhaling slowly. "I know what it's like. It's not good to keep things bottled up inside. It'll drive you insane."_

_She looks up from the table to JJ. "I know that I'm still new, and that everyone on this team is still getting used to me, but I do really care for this team and your well-being. If you ever feel like whatever is bothering you is getting too overwhelming, you can come talk to me." With a brief flash of a smile, she adds, "I'm also a great listener if you ever need me to be."_

_JJ swallows hard, reaching over and giving Emily's hand a strong, grateful squeeze. "Thank you," she murmurs softly because she genuinely is thankful that Emily cares enough to check up on her, to assure her that someone is there for her to talk to._

_Emily nods in reply, sitting back in the seat and looking out the window._

_JJ relaxes ever so slightly in her own chair. It's comforting to have Emily nearby. She has a natural calmness to her, a steadiness that she brings by simply existing that eases the younger woman's nerves. It's like her very presence is what JJ needs to ground herself to reality, to remind herself that she's not back at that barn and that she's no longer in danger._

_The jet lands a few hours later in Quantico, everyone exiting the jet rather quickly. Emily is slow, stays behind for a moment before giving JJ's shoulder a reassuring squeeze and moving to the door._

_JJ doesn't turn to watch her leave. Instead, she stands from her seat stiffly, slinging her go bag up onto her shoulder and folding her arms across her chest. Her throat closes up, heart racing anxiously at the very thought of going back to her dark, empty apartment to deal with the nightmares alone. Her hand goes up and clutches Ros' necklace hanging from her neck, her fingers moving the charm along the length of chain slowly._

_"Emily," she blurts out before she really even thinks about it._

_Emily grips the side of the door, peering her head back in the jet._

_JJ's fingers push the charm on the chain, unable to meet the older woman's gaze when she asks, "Can I take you up on that offer now?" She exhales a shuddering breath, gripping the bottom of the necklace tightly in her hand. "Please?"_

_Emily's eyes soften. "Of course you can," she assures. "Do you mind coming back to my apartment?"_

_JJ shakes her head, her shoulders slumping as relief floods over her._

_"Are you okay to drive?"_

_JJ jerkily nods._

_Emily doesn't look entirely convinced, but remains quiet as they both exit the jet and head towards their cars._

_Emily pauses at her door once they arrive, her keys in her palm as she turns her face towards the blonde. "Are you allergic to cats?"_

_Frowning and raising an eyebrow in confusion, JJ shakes her head once at the oddity of the question. She doesn't quite grasp why it's been asked until Emily opens up her door and a small and skinny all black kitten comes barreling towards the door with an ear piercing meow._

_Emily's eyes soften and a huge smile plasters on her face as she bends down and scoops up the kitten with one hand, generously scratching underneath the feline's chin. She murmurs a series of high pitched, yet very soft, greetings into the side of its face, pressing several small kisses on top of its head. The kitten, in return, purrs loudly, biting at Emily's fingers and kneading its claws into her palm._

_This side of Emily is completely different side than JJ's used to seeing every day at the BAU, even during the occasional girl's nights Garcia hosts, but it's nice. It's like all her walls are down, that for once she's relaxed, that she's completely comfortable being this vulnerable around JJ. It makes the blonde relax easily, the dark thoughts plaguing her mind disappearing for s moment._

_Clearing her throat with a slightly embarrassed look, Emily smiles bashfully at JJ, hoisting the kitten up slightly. "This is my freeloader of a roommate, Sergio. He came with the apartment, more or less. I found him out in the alley with no owner, no tags and no chip. I took him in to catch him up on his shots, got rid of all his fleas and am currently in the process of trying to get him to gain more weight."_

_JJ holds out her hand for the kitten to sniff, using her pointer finger to gently stroke along his nose with a small smirk. "I bet he's enjoying that," she murmurs, eyes lighting up in delight when Sergio head-butts her hand to demand more attention._

_"Very much so," Emily confirms with a broad grin, offering the kitten silently to the blonde. JJ carefully scoops him from Emily's hold, unable to stop the smile from spreading on her face when Sergio immediately paws at her long hair. She strokes between his ears, clicking her tongue affectionately at the cat._

_"Make yourself comfortable," Emily insists, gesturing towards her living room._

_JJ murmurs another "thanks" before walking over and sitting on the very comfortable couch in the middle of the living space. She sinks immediately into the cushions, sitting the tiny kitten down on her lap. Sergio kneads his claws into her pants, walking around in a circle before settling down near her abdomen and curling up in a tight ball. He moves until his body is flush against her, purring contently as he lays his head down at his side._

_"Hey," Emily murmurs softly, holding out a bottle of water towards the blonde._

_JJ takes it with a brief, closed mouth smile, murmuring her thanks as the older woman takes a seat on the opposite end of the couch. She cracks open the top of the water, taking a few sips. The cold water soothes her scorched tongue._

_Emily is extremely patient with JJ, wants her to start this conversation on her own terms. She doesn't pry and she doesn't press for information. Despite them being so close together, JJ feels as if Emily's giving her the right amount of space, doesn't feel suffocated by her presence. The kitten purring in her lap, feeling the tiny vibrations against her fingertips offers her a distraction._

_Still, her mouth feels like glue, the words at the tip of her tongue but unable to make herself spit them out. She's never talked to anyone about this, not even Spence. She carefully sets the bottle down on the table, using a small, folded tissues as a makeshift coaster._

_She presses her lips tightly together to compose herself, focusing on Sergio in her laps before she chokes out, "My sister, she..." She pauses, swallowing hard as a few stray tears leak from the corners of her eyes. She wipes them away with the side of her finger, but more quickly replace them. "I found her."_

_She murmurs an apology when a stray tear lands on Sergio, who doesn't even react. She places her hand over his back, rubbing the scruff of his neck with her thumb. "I just— I froze," she confesses. "Just like I did in the barn when I found—" She brings her hand up to hide her grimace._

_Emily offers her hand and JJ takes it firmly, shuddering out a breath. Her vision blurs as more tears start to fill her eyes. "I feel like... like I should have done more, for both of them. That, maybe if I had called out for help..." She pauses hopelessly, because, really, she doesn't know if there was ever more help that could have been done for her sister, for the woman in the barn._

_Her shoulders slump. "That I could have saved Reid," she finally decides, face contorting with guilt. "If I would have just... called out for help, maybe Tobias Henkel wouldn't have taken him."_

_She reaches for a tissue, using it to dab under her eyes. "I feel like a liability more than an asset."_

_Emily squeezes her hand, just enough pressure to encourage JJ to continue._

_She releases another shuddering breath. "All I see when I close my eyes is the barn, the bath tub where..." She chokes up. "Spence's face when he..." She trails off, stopping herself by pressing her lips firmly together._

_"You're not a liability," Emily murmurs. "You're a vital member of this team." When JJ turns her face off to the side, the older woman gives her hand a firm squeeze. "Hey, I mean that. Being extremely effected by a case doesn't make you a liability."_

_"But it got to me," JJ sniffs stubbornly. "It doesn't get to you. You don't let it."_

_Emily smiles sadly. "Jayje, I do. We all have cases that affect us more than others, and that's okay. We're FBI agents, but we're still only human."_

_"How do you deal with it?" JJ asks softly. "Does it ever go away?"_

_Emily's chuckle is humorless as she shakes her head. "I see them every night."_

_JJ swallows hard. "Why do you stay?"_

_"Why do you?"_

_JJ's throat constricts as she swallows. "My sister," she replies honestly. "And the families. We help give them closure."_

_Emily's smile is brief, but JJ still catches it out of the corner of her eye. "We do," she agrees softly. She gives JJ's fingers another squeeze. "We see the worst, most dark parts of society. It's completely justifiable that we don't come back from it unscathed. We're allowed to let it get to us, we're allowed to feel the pain and the guilt. What you've been through is traumatic and it scarred you deeply. You're not a liability in any sense of the word for hurting, for reacting how anyone else would in your situation. And you don't ever have to deal with it alone."_

_JJ rests her head on Emily's shoulder, closing the gap between them. "Neither do you," she murmurs as a reassurance. It feels like the right thing to say, feels like it needs to be said because Emily's offering her so much, and JJ wants to give in return. She wants Emily to know that she's there for her, too. "Not anymore."_

_"Not anymore," Emily agrees quietly._

**Author's Note:**

> what is everyone's opinions on gideon just out of curiosity? saw some discourse in the comments of a video where the majority of people seemed to like him only because he's an original member of the team??
> 
> personally like, yes he helped build the bau, but... i don't like him at all oops
> 
> anyway thanks for reading n leaving comments/kudos x


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